one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
