I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were trust falling into bushes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
