im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
