laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
