I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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