There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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