going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
