Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Randomize
