i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
