How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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