girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
