One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
