He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
