my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
