Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i now understand why vodka
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
