fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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