my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
