I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
