I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
