I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
