dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Four minutes until I can fart!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
