i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk is a universal language darling
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
