The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
