true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
