forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
