Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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