I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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