I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
