I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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