So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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