I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
