The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
