Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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