You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
