She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
