if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
