What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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