Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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