we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
