i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
