he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
