I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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