so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish you could order shots online.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
