Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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