our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
