well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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