So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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