Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
