He is such a slut. More and more my type.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
