Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
